The best way for tobacco companies to improve their revenues is to target teen-agers. This is not because teen-agers are easily addicted but because their brains are still being developed. If they can get teen-agers to develop a a positive mind-set about smoking, they will have customers for life.

So you need to find out what would attract teen-agers to smoking and help the company of your choice create a really effective ad campaign.

What most interests teen-agers? Studies indicate that the three most important motivators for teen-agers are sex, rebellion and koala bears.

Simple: Design a campaign featuring a really sexy cartoon koala bear in a really sexy Speedo brandishing a really long cigarette and a sneer.

Call it Kool Koala. Make ads in which Kool Koala offs his parents, burns the flag and has sex in a hot-air balloon. Awesome!

Have artists create Kool Komix in which Kool swings through the bamboo with koala chicks clinging to his thighs, smoking your clients brand.

As your program progresses, have Kool grow up slowly, eventually becoming governor of California. Then, of course, bring in Son of Kool for the next generation of youngsters eager to be as cool as Kool.

Develop action figures of Kool, his son, the chicks, and evil parents. Make a deal with battery companies to sponsor the start-up for manufacturing. You can either keep the rights for yourself or sell them to the tobacco company.

Make an animated feature film with Kool as a misunderstood superhero fighting tyranny everywhere. Teens will translate that as fighting mean parents and it will be a blockbuster. Release it in summer.

Why shouldnt you make a bundle? Youre just as good as the tobacco companies arent you? I expect 10% of your gross. Meet me in the smoking section of the underground garage of the Hyatt Regency in San Francisco at midnight, New Years eve, whatever year you get this put together. Come alone.